Uh, what?

30Nov07

Before reading the post, please answer the following questions:

• Is somebody with you?
• Do you have nothing to do now?
• Do you have lots of time to kill?
• Are you a confident person?
• Are you stoic?

If your answer to all the above questions is ‘Yes’, please read on.

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Oh, the sense of despair! There’s an unknown frustration, an angst brewing both on the inside and the outside.

On the outside, a woman has been stripped naked and made to run in the heart of a town in Assam, saved from further humiliation by the generous act of a kind tea-stall owner that came too late, all the punishment that the Uphaar cinema hall owners are going to get for the death of 59 people comes down to only 2 years, Jagdish Tytler is a happy man for the CBI has closed the case against him, for his incitement of the rioting mob, due to the disappearance of the witness Jasbir Singh who last night appeared on a news channel claiming to be in the US and not having been contacted by the CBI and the CBI director still maintains that there’s no political angle to the closing of the case, Tamils in Malaysia are in deep trouble, the reasons having nothing to do with them whatsoever, doctors are fighting for the non-interference of politicians in matters pertaining to hospitals and their staff, things are horribly wrong.

On the inside, what am I upto? What have I been doing? Need I feel educated and sophisticated and intelligent and happy just because I’ve read some books, watched some movies, listened to some music, been to some places, know some things that can only possibly be of some help in some stupid quiz competition? The books I read all the time are written by others, the movies I watch all day are made by others, the blogs I read are created by others, the music I listen to are composed by others too and the trivia that I claim to know are about the others. What does all of this have to do with me? What have I done so far, except perhaps appreciating the work of others? Things are not too well within either.

I’m not depressed, not angry either. I’ve given up on these some time ago. It’s just a feeling of emptiness, a profound hollowness. The big dark hollow is so encompassing that the echoes therein refuse to stop. The missing piece is hard to find in this sea of despair. While the country is well on its way to anarchy, so am I travelling ahead on my path to nothingness. I’ve been reading about this character in a book who says that the country first needs to be united and then be saved. “We must first be one and then repair the one that we are. We can’t hope to eradicate ills first and then try to be united. It’ll be like scooping out water from the ocean everytime we step into it. We’d much rather cross the ocean and then get to work.” Is he right? Is that what is needed now? Is reconciliation more important than emancipation? Should I first do things and then reform myself?

Much is happening, all around. I don’t care much though because it’s pointless to take notice of things that change, that are dynamic. No sooner than you acquaint yourself with it, it changes. And you can’t keep pace with it, whatever you do. However hard you run or change you’ll still be behind it. Running all your life, pursuing a mirage. After all, isn’t this the starting principle of that electrical motor, which one was it? Only one man at one place at a time can’t hope to take in everything that’s happening at all places at all times. As it was asked in the movie that I was watching the other day, shall we give up on all because in the end it’s so pointless? Should we or should we not engage in whatever we do, knowing all the time that it’s incomplete and unsatisfactory and above all pointless? Should we just sit with our hands tied and our mind numb, because it makes no sense to worry oneself to no avail. We’d much rather not get worked up about it all. Action or inaction? Indulgence or temperance? Motion or station? Finery or coarseness? Pursuit or resignation? In the end, does it even matter?

This question is haunting, making me restless… this or that, and if not either, then what? This nothingness refuses to go away and I just go through the motions like a zombie. As David Byrne sings out, I eat and I drink and I sleep and I laugh and I love myself. I feel like a character in 1984, except here the Big Brother is inside me and not on the outside. But is he even watching?

Enough of crap. I honestly don’t expect you to have read so far, but in case you have, please try to forget what you’ve read. Some things are not worth remembering, not worth thinking about. Sometimes I indulge in this kind of shit writing because I’m deprived of shit talking. Since I can’t talk things over (who has the time for shit like this?), I just write them down. And since I have this worthless blog, I post these here. I could refrain from doing so, but I have to remind myself that I’m actually writing all this and this is not a dream. You see, I have this condition wherein I’ve a very short term memory. I can’t create new memories. So, I have no idea what I’ve done about an hour back. I have these dreams wherein I’m scrubbing the floor, removing stains, working hard. And then I wake up feeling all tired and wet. So, I’m not sure if the dream was a dream after all. So, I leave these notes to myself, the same way I post things on the blog. I think I watched the movie Memento yesterday. But I can’t be too sure about it. I can never be sure about anything. I’m not crazy, you see I just have this condition…

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